Pour out my soul to control the hurt
~DMX
Why must Earl Simmons swim in dirt
I’m gon’ make it work–
28 and trying to get baptized
Priest scared to touch me
Cuz he said I gave him bad vibes
I was late to the rap game. My boyish romanticism was largely supported by R&B back in the Nineties when Rap music first started weaving into the mainstream. I remember liking Tupac’s “Dear Mama” song and decided that rappers were pretty cool, even if I couldn’t understand their too-fast lyrics, but I didn’t really start getting into Hip-Hop until the 21st century. When I did finally get into the game, DMX was one of my first favorite artists. He was much more gangsta than I could ever hope to be, but I was drawn in by his storytelling and honesty on the mic. He reinforced my belief that vulnerability and weakness are not the same things.
Pour out my soul to release the hurt
~Q
Why must Q Bostick swim in the dirt
Can I make it work?
Desperate to feel alive at 39
Queen scared to date me
Cuz she said I gave her sad vibes
I think everyone agrees that dating in these modern times is the worst. It’s insanely difficult and also dangerous. Global anxiety has crippled social growth and development. Trust issues are a prerequisite nowadays, and not an unfortunate side effect. Dating has become less about partnering our strengths and more about pairing our weaknesses. We seek to match vices more than virtues because a drinking partner is a lot less work (and more fun) than a study buddy. I’m guilty of it, too. I don’t think I could date a woman that’s not 420-friendly. Is that fair? No, but I’m not willing to give up the habit. I haven’t wanted to work too hard at love (or anything, for that matter), so I have only been open to the riff-raff and trash that wafts in the wind, just looking to get higher and higher.
I have not been intentional about dating for a few years now. After my last relationship ended, I was solely focused on my role as a father until the pandemic came along and the Kid left me to follow her own path. I was emotionally wiped out in the fallout of that catastrophe. I have spent the subsequent years healing, and searching for acceptance. I always thought that acceptance would mean relief from the pain, but I am having to re-evaluate that belief.
The assessment that I gave off “sad vibes” left me unsettled, but not unsurprised. A few weeks ago my sister was surprised to hear that I wanted to date someone, and I was surprised that she was surprised. She explained that I just didn’t seem like I was interested in the act. As a hopeless romantic, I’m always interested in the possibility of love; however, after hearing her assessment, I had to admit that I had unintentionally made myself emotionally unavailable in the years following the heartbreaks of my dad’s passing and my daughter’s leaving.
Now here I am trying to dive back into the dating game but I have not built myself nor my confidence back up. I have spent so much time being small and feeling less than as a result of my losses that I approach every potential partner with the assumption that IF she even sees me, surely she will leave me, too. I manifest my own worst fears and then wonder why it happened.
A lot of this trauma is the result of my own disappointment at being unable to connect with my daughter in a timely fashion. If I can’t get my own offspring to see me, especially when she’s so annoyingly similar to me, then what hope is there for a stranger with no ties? I know it’s an unfair comparison for so many reasons, but I can’t shake the fact that I don’t feel seen by anyone. And this latest rejection is just proof that I still have more changes to make before I can emerge fully from my cocoon.
The truth is, I don’t feel sad, but I don’t feel happy or fulfilled either. I want to be seen. I want to be heard. I want to be appreciated. I am not sad. I am angry that my plans have all failed, and I am tired. I am tired of this cycle of grief. I remember being told once that “Happiness is a choice.” I also remember the Green Goblin counseling the original Spider-Man that “We are whom we choose to be… Now, choose!”
I choose…