A lot of people wonder why I bleed my heart out online. Honestly, I wonder it myself. I rarely gave it much thought before I moved to Houston. But now, I worry in wonder of how my daughter may perceive and receive it, should she come across it, which I hope she does. Since I never post the good stuff anymore (like way back before adulting happened), I assume I come off as a broken, not-so-old man who whines and cries instead of just getting his shit together. I mean, that’s how teen-me would see me-me if I read this dribble. And that’s a fair burn, Kid… a little hurtful, but it’s cool.
Nevertheless, I write and I post. I could never answer my own query as to why? It just felt right, I supposed. Then, on a random Friday afternoon in 2020, I got a little high just before kicking HADES’s ass in the final battle of Horizon Zero Dawn. That is impressive for a number of reasons. 1) I haven’t been able to get high for a number of reasons that won’t make objective sense to you but I don’t have the time to tangent here. 2) HADES wooped my ass from around midnight last night until 3am and my prideful gamer booty was still sore today. 3) It took me three years to beat HZD due to my erratic video game attention span but I resolved to beat every one of my (worthy) PS4 games before I allow myself to buy a PS5. It is a cruel trick to play on my psyche and my pride to prevent me from blowing $500 on a video game system that I don’t need or want right now. I am constantly outwitting myself. It’s how I’ve stayed alive this long.
Anyway, in case you’re curious, below is a clip of the ending cutscene that got my temporarily unguarded minded stumble-thinking upon the answer to the question that I wasn’t asking at that moment. Backstory: Aloy is a clone orphan from a primitive tribe in a far-off dystopian future that saved the rebirthed humanity from a second extinction by the mighty robot armies. She did it mostly for the selfish discovery of her identity, having been cloned from long-dead super scientist, Elisabeth Sobek, and not possessing any “real” parents. The other voice in the clip is GAIA, Elisabet Sobek’s AI program charged with rebuilding the world after extinction.
https://youtu.be/hzygUKcatwc
With the current dynamic of my daddy-daughter relationship, I don’t get to see or talk to my Kid, but for the first time ever it’s her choice and no one else’s. I can do nothing but endure. So that’s what I’m doing. I write and I post because it’s all I can do to show [her] whom I am in this absence. I leave my pain as an anthology so that if my daughter is ever curious about her identity, she could easily search mine to see where she comes from. I wouldn’t know how to do that except with my written words, and through my actions. So I write, and I post.
GAIA echoed the QUERY I’d been asking myself since the spring of 2004: “What do you wish for this Kid in life?” I never knew how to answer that question until now. A long time ago, probably around the time that Facebook opened up its platform to non-college students, I accepted that I would not be involved in shaping the young identity of my Kid. I’ve had to try and make that same acceptance a second time around, which was exponentially harder, and it broke me. Full stop.
Then, on a random Friday afternoon in 2020, I realized, with the help of a video game cinematic and, maybe, tons of support, nagging, praising and advice from my truest friends and family—my Famiends—that I don’t have to make that acceptance at all. All I have to do is let her see me, inside and out, unfettered, unfiltered and unashamedly dedicated to being her father, under disillusionment and through depression, past success and on into forever. I don’t hide my pain because it’s a part of me and, if I may be pretentious for a moment, I hurt so beautifully—it deserves to be seen. I could probably do a better job of posting my nonsense thoughts and comedic monologues (for solidarity’s sake) but I prefer melodrama to fantasy (in my writing, not in my life…although that belief might be worth exploring/exploding).
So yea, the current daddy-daughter dynamic fucking sucks. It’s the worst damn reality I’ve had to endure since my teenage dream was napalmed and then nuked in 2003 and 2004, respectively. Nevertheless, as long as I am here, accessible, open-armed, and sacrificially loyal to the point of appearing desperate, then she will have the only “real” lessons worth learning.
Love. Fortitude. Imagination. Curiosity. Loyalty. Pride. Compassion. Build yourself upon those virtue blocks and you will have a life worthy of remembrance and, as only a parent will wish, with enough joyous moments to outshine the bad. Honestly, I hate to plagiarize another’s work, but Dr. Sobeck said (some of) it quite beautifully…
“I would have wanted her to be curious, and willful—unstoppable, even—but with enough compassion to heal the world…just a little bit.”